It doesnt matter how it ended or began

update

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 02:46:06 GMT

I haven't posted much here in a while. It's not because I'm not working on things, it's more than I'm just feeling... quieter... about things. I don't have as much of a desire to put the struggle/work out there for mass consumption that I did a year ago, though for some reason, I think in general things are getting easier to talk about. I'm less ashamed of stuff than I used to be. I'm still not broadcasting to people who know me in real life though, that I struggle with irrational thoughts pretty much all the time.

I've cut back on individual therapy mostly because of scheduling conflicts, but also because of a general desire to cut back. I don't *need* things as much, I don't think, and I've gotten really good about calling her when I NEED to, as opposed to just going in weekly like a zombie (which is what I was starting to feel like).

I've been doing DBT exercises by myself, and talking to no one about them but my therapist -- which is just... downright weird for me. but it's hard. I feel like the exercises are making me all too aware of just how nuts some of my thoughts have been over the last oh, 35 years. I've even recommended DBT to a couple of friends... as well, it does seem to really help me. And for the longest time, I didn't think that anything was ever going to help. And even a year ago, when I started looking into DBT pretty seriously I thought how was this ever going to become automatic? Some things... especially the distract skills... really are starting to become that. I even have a few things I say to myself at night, when I'm struggling with falling asleep alone, or just feeling lonely in general, that are pretty much automatic, and *work* when I'm feeling icky.

Who knew.

Update

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 18:04:01 GMT

so, I'm doing pretty well. Still on the same meds, and they are working. I've talked to my therapist, and we've agreed to move to 2x/month instead of weekly. It makes more sense with my traveling for work, and in general is probably about what I need.

As part of this plan, I'm going to be doing the DBT exercises on my own, starting with Interpersonal Effectiveness. I told her I'd keep the exercises in a journal, to try to get past my issues with keeping a paper journal... thinking, that might be a start. But then I went out and got a spiral notebook to use as a journal. I actually wrote a 3 page entry in it yesterday, about my issues with paper journaling, that I probably will post here at some point.

My mother has been oddly supportive of some decisions lately - one, to move this summer, and 2, regarding my son's college. She's been surprisingly normal lately, even asking questions about my b/f... which is rare for her, no matter who I am seeing.

I feel like I'm on the right path.

yet another diagnosis

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 21:15:17 GMT

It was time for a 6 month renewal of my service plan for the therapy. It's been almost 6 months since I got out of the hospital for a suicide attempt. It seems like much, much longer ago. She was looking at my original goals for therapy - emotion regulation, decreased high emotions... and was talking about whether we even need to leave those on there!! I was floored... I felt like yeah, I'm making things work on the outside, but boy, inside my brain is still having all of the crazy emotions...I've just gotten a lot better at controlling them.

Today, for the first time, my therapist wanted to add PTSD to my seemingly ever-growing list of diagnoses. I reactly badly to it - hated the idea of it.. never, ever have I thought that I had PTSD.

Last week, I restarted DBT. It's horribly painful - 2 hours is a long time to sit there, and my therapist is thinking that it might be because I do have the latent ADD traits (and have been off of ADD meds for like 6 months). I started to bring up all of the other reasons that I was uncomfortable/annoyed with DBT last week... and suddenly, it hit me, while I was in her office.

My anger/crankiness towards some things manifests itself in weird ways. It's as if I don't know how to really react to something. So I get pissed/annoyed easily. Now, it's not as bad as it was, say even 6 months or a year ago, but it is still there. She's basically saying that my reaction to DBT last week was a result of being seriously triggered (true enough) by 3 people in the group. Ugh.

I don't want another diagnosis. I don't want to feel like there's other issues to deal with, more issues to deal with.

She suggested EMDR for the first time... and said she wasn't going to push, she wanted me to go home, research it, etc... which is something that generally is better for me (letting me figure out it's not such a bad idea), but... blah.

I feel like crud.

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 15:49:58 GMT

So, I was thinking of restarting DBT this morning – I’m actually in town, and while it’s mid-module, the facilitator had said it was OK. I wasn’t thrilled about the idea in general, but I had been the one to *ask* about restarting dbt, so… you’d think it wouldn’t have been such a bad thing to think about. I had fully planned to go this morning, then… last night happened.

I have a long history of having a bad reaction to spilling things. Spilling things meant that I got beaten as a kid, and that reaction is still there. It’s been years since I’ve had a *bad* reaction to it (it can really freak other people around out), but last night at about 1230 or so I accidentally sent a 32oz diet pepsi flying and wham! Hit that old bad place.

I screamed… and not like a normal “oh shit” kind of scream. It was the 30 second long shrieking that freaked out my roommate, even though he knows and has seen that reaction all too many times before. After that ended, I was able to grab a towel (highly unusual for me to a) be able to clean it up right after, and b) to be able to do so that quickly), and even tell my b/f, who I was talking to online, what had happened. I was feeling rather proud of myself (and kind of using that as a motivator to go back to dbt this morning – the whole look! It works! mentality).

But then I got spacey… after I’d crawled back into bed I started thinking about the mess it had made, the fact that I was going to have to likely steam clean my carpet to get the stains up, and that I couldn’t get out of bed without stepping in the wet spots … my brain just kept spinning.

I started to try to fall asleep around 2… and didn’t have much issue falling asleep. I had terrible, terrible dreams though. All about being little, about getting beaten… and the only thing that I seem to I generally don’t have issues with nightmares, but I’ve been having quite a few lately, and this one was *really* bad.

This is also the second time in a week where I’ve had trouble waking up in the morning. And not because my alarm didn’t go off, or I didn’t hear it… it was kinda like I couldn’t wake up from the dream… and I’ve never done that before. It’s terrifying, I don’t know what’s going on, I feel like I’m in a heavily drugged state, I guess is the best way to describe it – and both times its happened, I had *no* sleep meds in my system.

My therapist has had me talking about old stuff the last couple of sessions – and I’ve not managed to talk about things yet that *she* did, only the things that my older brother did/caused. Part of that is because I’m just now to the point where I’m ‘healthy’ enough to start working on the old crap. The other part of it is because I’m actually around enough to do face-to-face sessions on a regular basis again.

So, you’d think eh, with all of this going on – prolly a good time to get up and go to therapy, right? That’s what I kept trying to tell myself. But it was DBT… it was group. There’s no way I could go without talking about this stuff, which would, in all reality, trigger half the room – so not possible. (I still know the people in the group). I *wanted* to get up and go, but it was like I was stuck… I was in that state where I couldn’t get moving, didn’t feel really conscious, and my whole body just felt… stuck. And this is only the second time I remember doing this… ever. I don’t know what it is, what it’s called, why I had such a hard time… I don’t get it. I don’t understand this, I’ve never done it before, I get absolutely terrified when I do it, I’m always alone when it happens, and I have absolutely no knowledge of how to get unstuck. Just when I think I’m feeling… healthy… that I’m making progress, that my brain might some day function as a ‘normal’ person’s, this kinda shit happens, and I feel like I’ve been set back to my early 20s, when my brain and temper were way out of control. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go, that I didn’t think it might be a good idea ultimately (even if I did feel like I’d have to remain quiet about my own issues), it was that I physically felt stuck in bed… I think that’s what I don’t get the most.

The whole thing with the new nightmares, this whole freaky not being able to wake thing? Has me really wanting to leave past shit in the past.

And, I don't know what it's going to do to my plans for today, honestly. I hate canceling plans. Hate. Hate. Hate. I know it's going to make my mood way worse if I do. But I also have no idea how to unstick my brain, either. I woke up, and saw the lack of stains on the carpet and that did feel better, somehow... but, ugh. Rough damned morning.

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 20:10:57 GMT

So, I've been doing really well again. The funk that I was in for a few weeks seems to have subsided, in part I think by my recent trip to VA. I wish I could get my life back home in the same order that I have here... I think it's an environment I seem to thrive in.

I had a face-to-face therapy session last week, my first in months. And I have another one next weekend. It was a REALLY rough session, after not having addressed many issues over the phone. It's easier to duck questions on the phone - a LOT easier. This week's session was on the phone -- this is absolutely the longest I've stuck with individual therapy, and approaching how long I lasted in couple's therapy - and she said that now that I'm doing better, consistently, and healthier, it is probably time to work on past issues.

Ugh, this is gonna suck. I don't want to work on the old issues. I'd happily pretend they didn't exist, or better yet - swallow a pill that might make me forget them (too bad there isn't such a pill). While I know this is a good, and probably necessary, thing - I dread it. I have significant fears that rehashing the old stuff is going to put me right back into a suicidal state. Or even just a seriously depressed one.

Brains are too complicated. They need to come with a better user manual.

Update

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 00:21:25 GMT

I haven't posted to this journal much recently, for a few reasons. 1, I was doing really well (and it's great to ignore mental health issues when you're doing better), 2, therapy has been brief and uneventful lately. 3, I've just been really busy.

I have only missed a few doses of meds since I was in the hospital. I've been working hard to keep a consistent schedule, and to rise early on the weekends, etc.

But now, I'm traveling for work. Exercise is spotty again, sleep is irregular, work hours are irregular, and I feel myself... slipping. Last night I slept... it took 2 ambien to finally knock me out, but I did sleep, and slept well without bad dreams. I feel more like myself today, and like I'm more 'together' than I have been for the last week or so, but I'm exhausted.

I feel like it's a part-time job again to stay... 'together'... to stay sane... to not slip.

I also told a friend today about the bpd issue. I called my good friend that I joke is 'dial-a-shrink'. I am not sure how I felt about telling said friend about the bpd issue though, because she automatically mixed up BPD and DID... and it is so hard for ME to understand what my brain does, it's even harder to explain to someone else.

My brain hurts.

Guilt, and other things

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 19:33:00 GMT

I’ve been having a lot of issues with … guilt… recently.

Basically ‘coming out’ to my housemates about *stuff* was really difficult. I slipped and mentioned that I had been in the hospital in June, and ugh, I care too much about them to blatantly lie – and I am such a horrible liar it would be noticeable anyway. I felt bad – like I should have warned them when they agreed to let me stay with them that I had been recently suicidal. One asked me very directly “What are you doing about this now?” It was not a good tone – I get the anger, on a number of levels. And honestly, they probably should know, in case something were to happen again.

Then come the questions. Why. What happened.

The more time that passes, the less that I remember. I am glad that I journaled as much as I did when I first came home, because otherwise I would have no idea about what was going on then, because my short-term memory is just *now* finally back to normal for me. It took 2 full months. In a lot of ways, it seems like it’s been a hell of a lot longer than 2 months… in other ways, it seems like it was just a few days ago.

I can’t answer the Why. I don’t remember enough details to be able to tell people Why. I know that for some reason that night – probably a ton of different reasons – I was giving up. In a way that somehow, in my 35 years, I’d never given up before. And I may never fully understand what the hell possessed me that night. Yes, I knew what I was taking was a lethal dose – I had done research to make sure it was. I also knew it was not really reversible. I’m very lucky I didn’t kill myself.

Part of me wishes I could point to one thing that says “This is why I tried to kill myself.” But there is no easy answer. I can’t say what happened. I don’t know – my memories of that night are so very fuzzy, and they get worse as time goes on. I think I’m not meant to remember what happened. I remember the tone of my b/f’s voice that night – a tone I don’t think I ever want to hear again. Part of me wants to remember more, part of me wants to forget everything. Especially the hospital stay.

I have a lot of guilt about what I did to him and to my kids by attempting to take my own life. The other people affected… it’s been hard for me to wrap my head around things. If my mom tells me that it was a ‘stupid trick’ one more time, she may not hear from me for a nice long time. I hate people saying that they won’t do ‘something stupid’ when they’re depressed – because to me, that’s calling suicide stupid… and well, it’s not. And you know, I think prior to June 16^th of this year, I might have called it stupid.

Guilt is a pretty foreign concept to me, and I think that’s part of the BPD thing. I don’t know how to deal well with feelings of guilt. I’ve always said that I have trouble feeling sorry for something I’ve done or feeling guilty about it – because if I hadn’t intended to do it, I wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Now, that usually applies to something I’ve *said*… this is different. I don’t know how to explain things anymore. I can’t say I wish it didn’t happen…. I think right now I’m the healthiest I’ve been in a LONG time, and I don’t know if that would have happened without the events of that night.

I find myself better able to say “I have BPD” now, though, at least face to face. I told someone in fact, last night, that I have BPD. Why? Because they began a rant about BPD, and I had to put a stop to it. It is *so* hard for me to listen to people vent about various mental conditions and not interject and say WAIT, do you know how many people you probably know with that given disorder???? It’s incredibly painful, and has made me a lot more conscious about what I say about both physical and mental disorders in general (which is a good thing, I think). Hearing someone you like or care about say something like “I am choosing not to learn anything more about the disorder because that would be enabling”… is infuriating.

Hmm… I guess, if provoked enough and appropriately, I can still get mad. Not feeling as numb anymore… maybe it’s the hormones. I talked to my therapist about the numb feelings in our session this week… I think that I will save that for another post.

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:37:48 GMT

I think I said something last week about the whole devoid of emotion thing.

In my efforts to try to let things just roll off of me, to not fixate on them, to not obsess, to try not to blame *myself* for things, I’ve started to feel like I’m numb.

I mean, I feel like some things are setting in … suddenly… as far as therapy and DBT skills are going… like, suddenly I am able to hear things and *not* have the crazy irrational thoughts automatically… but… it’s weird. And right now, this pertains to work more than anything else. Things here are so chaotic, and I have been leaving it all here at the office, not letting other people’s craziness and door-slamming behavior get to me. I feel like all of the sudden my brain has started behaving a bit differently.

Like it is getting easier. And I wasn’t sure it ever would. But there’s a decent part of me that feels like this is not necessarily a good thing, and I don’t know what to do about it. Because while I am trying to let things roll off of me and not respond to the chaos, I feel like I am also letting people walk all over me at work because I am not getting mad about things I can’t control… It’s like I’ve gone from one extreme to another. Does that make any sense? Now that I’m writing about it – it’s back to the whole black vs. white thing – my brain doesn’t seem to be able to find the middle ground.

Had another phone session with my therapist this week. I think I am starting to like phone therapy more than the face-to-face. I don’t have to sit in an uncomfortable chair in a hot office trying to pay attention… it’s been actually easier to *talk* about things when I’m sitting face-to-face with her. I’m not sure how I feel about that, either. It’s kind of like how these things are a heck of a lot easier to type than they are to say out loud.

Another issue that I am starting to think about in reference to DBT, more on the individual level… is the whole ‘validating.’ When I go off on a particular thing… have irrational thoughts, etc… I feel like because of the nature of DBT, it’s almost like my therapist is supposed to agree with me. It feels… unnatural, when I talk about things after the fact and *I* can see how crazy I was thinking, and trying to talk about it and she’s trying to basically help me process it… sometimes, I feel like it would be more successful if she looked at me and said “what the hell were you thinking that for?”

All that said, and I feel like life is getting a little easier. I’m coping with things – everything – better. I’m taking care of myself, both physically and emotionally right now in ways I’m not sure I have before. Sometimes, it feels weird… like it’s going to take some getting used to. I’ve been trying to talk to therapist about how I am going to manage not reverting back to old ways when I’m back at home?

Link

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 22:55:01 GMT

A friend posted this in her blog. I'm not sure I agree with everything it says, but I do agree with most. Especially the "stop."

http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2008/08/05/psa-2/

Job stuff

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 23:08:56 GMT

So I have a new job, but right now it feels like it's going to be at least as stressful as the old job. And I'm not sure what to think about it - as far as an entire career right now. In the last five years, I have excelled as far as work has gone - increasingly getting better contracts and more $ - but I don't think I'm managing the stress as well as I need to be/should be. Ah, one of those "should" statements. Sometimes, I feel like I should go get a job at the grocery store again, where I worked in high school/college - feels like the only job I ever really *liked.*

I had phone therapy last night, and it went really well. She only does 30 minute phone sessions, and that's OK by me... 30 minutes is a long time when you're on the phone. (I've discovered I'm getting less and less tolerant for the phone as I get older, I think the b/f is wearing off on me).

I have long ranty notes that I took to keep myself busy/from getting angry in DBT last week, at some point I'll probably post them... because they're a whole heck of a lot of black vs. white thinking -- and definitely how my brain automatically goes there. I've been feeling like there's more... hope... that my brain will eventually *get* it... but the then I have moments where I feel like I'm crazy and will need some anti-psychotic to ever look at the world like everyone else. Why is it that 'normal' thinking as I'm trying to come to grips with what *I* think should be normal, seems like it is just... numb... devoid of emotion?

Exploring DBT groups in the area didn't prove to be successful - therapist says that since we're coming to the end of a module anyway, I can pick back up in 3 months at the start of the next module. We talked some about Linehan's book, and if it would be beneficial for me to work on skills on my own. I figure what the heck, I have the time right now... at least I think I do. Will give it a shot. I feel like I've read more about BPD and know more about it than half the therapists I've seen in the past... and I know that isn't the case, it just seems so frustrating that for something that is supposed to be so common, there are so few resources for -- books, therapists, support networks, dbt groups --- are all in short supply. Now that I think about it though, so are all mental health services -- and I know this because I have fought so hard to get them for my son... why is it that I don't think of these things when they're related to my own brain and well-being?

Enough for now.

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 00:23:53 GMT

Ah, therapy.

The last two weeks, I have gotten there *exactly* on time… which is weird for me. I’m always a few minutes early. I think it’s that I dread it a lot more the last few weeks… and now, with the job thing… ugh.

I actually did my diary card this week. And there were lots of 5s on there. Lots of emotional pain, and a lot of self-harm. Daily, in fact. I wanted to be able to show her… and I couldn’t, and that sucked. And I couldn’t show the b/f…. not that he’d want to see, but … I wanted to … I think it’s an accountability thing… if someone knows, it will be embarrassing enough I won’t do. Maybe. Today makes the second day in a row though that I haven’t touched the spots.

I left with a horrible headache, sick of crying, and I’ve been crying off an on all evening. And the stupid headaches aren’t responding to anything. I wanted to go to bed tonight at like 9pm, but I laid on the couch with the ice pack on my head that kept me up till I got to see my b/f… and that helped… tons. Just… being next to someone who actually cares about me. I don’t feel like any of my close friends right now *get* it… ugh, and I don’t want to skywrite things, but I feel like I need *some* kind of network… and the DBT group…. Isn’t going to build bonds outside of the group, because we’re all so drastically different.

Mindfulness. Mindfulness. What am I thinking about when I am picking? Everything. Certainly not just picking. Therapist doesn’t think I dissociate at all – pretty much ever… because I’m constantly thinking of several different things at once, and can’t *ever* seem to focus… even when it’s on the picking (which has her trying to figure out why I pick). I don’t understand dissociation as it pertains to BPD… and no matter how many times it’s explained to me or I read about it… it just doesn’t make sense to me.

We talked a lot about skills, and how I feel like they won’t ever be automatic… but then we wound up having a discussion about relationships and sex that did make *some* things sink in. We also talked about my ability to hang up on my mother (not literally, I always do the “gotta go”) when she is just not getting anything.

And here’s the thing…. I’ve been actively working on stuff for more than a year… but on my own (and b/f’s help). And I knew I had reached a point where I couldn’t do more without help. In some ways, since starting therapy I feel like I have slipped… like I have a harder time with some of the irrational thoughts than I did a few months ago. She already has said that she doesn’t think I would meet enough of the criteria to be diagnosed as BPD right now, just with “borderline traits.” Ugh, I’m *really* sensitive to that. It’s like … I spent a long time working to figure out *what* is wrong, just because I can manage it (sometimes) that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. In my mind… it would be like telling a diabetic he isn’t diabetic because he can manage his blood sugar…. Does that make any sense to anyone else but me? I know I’m getting hung up on words/semantics/definitions. I know that. But after years of feeling like no one sees the world in the same fucked up way that I do…. It really helped to *know* what was wrong, and that I wasn’t the only one.

So, yeah. Now, I have to figure out how to do DBT while in another state, and figure out if I am going to do weekend or phone sessions for awhile.

Lots on my mind.

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 21:53:53 GMT

All you have to do is turn on any host of cable channels to find a true crime show talking about how all criminals are mentally ill. Or, that we all have these capabilities, it’s just those that have no impulse control are likely to be these horrible criminals. I hate when they call out specific mental illnesses and say “well, so and so was schizophrenic. So and so was bipolar. So and so had a personality disorder.” I feel like it makes the general public think that anyone with a mental illness is going to be the next Jeffrey Dahmer.

There is a huge list of skills that come with DBT – it’s an overwhelming list for me every time I look at it, and we’re supposed to score how we do using the skills as we progress through DBT. There are 7 rankings on this particular system – and 7 is the ‘best’ – meaning that you didn’t consciously think about using this skill, but you did so successfully. That seems like it’s a completely unobtainable stage for me.

I talked to the b/f some about this, and it still isn’t sinking in just how that this is going to rewire my brain. I know it takes time – and I’m *not* quitting (though any time I talk about this stuff with my therapist she seems convinced I’m going to quit, and I think the b/f does too), but even on good days when I *am* able to have a better grip on my emotions, my brain still goes all of those fucked up places, and has all of those fucked up perceptions. I get it that it’s a skill, you have to practice, and practice becomes habit – but when it’s my brain we’re talking about, it seems like an impossible feat to think about NOT having to consciously work to avoid acting on those emotions.

Sometimes, just writing this stuff out makes me feel crazy. I’ve had my head buried in books about BPD and other mental illnesses for weeks now, and they seem to just make me feel like this really is a forever thing. Like I’ll never be ‘normal.’ Like this *is* my normal… or as close as I’m going to get to it.

My therapist asked me if I have been suicidal lately and just not telling her – and that kind of stung. Made me feel like she doesn’t trust me… but, yeah, I get it… I certainly don’t admit to other things, why would I be volunteering that information? The other thing that I’m struggling with is friends and family who don’t understand how I was suicidal a month ago, and am not now. (Not saying I’m not having depression issues, but not suicidal.) It’s hard to explain how things can feel so unfixable one moment, and a few hours later seem fine. One of the things that has been recommended to deal with the mood swings that might only last a few hours is sleep – if only I could fall asleep on my own! This does, however, seem to work mid-day when I seem to be able to take short naps.

The last couple of days have been really rough – lots of crying spells, as I’m dealing with some unforeseen job issues. I’m annoyed, because it *feels* like the kind of crying I do when I haven’t had my meds in days, and I haven’t missed meds at all in the month of July. (yay!) I’m hanging in here, though, and making some informed decisions (even discussing pros and cons with my therapist).

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 21:26:02 GMT

DBT was rough this week. Still working on the concept of dialectics, I was able to actually pay attention for the entire two hours this time, but it had a much greater effect on me emotionally.

In attempting to show the continuums between certain feelings that are more black and white, we were shown one that said Trust on one side, Suspicion on the other. This made sense to me… I am SLOWLY learning to trust and not second guess the actions and feelings of those close to me.

One of the things that we had discussed in individual therapy was getting away from the “Shoulds” – saying things like “I shouldn’t feel this way, I should feel this.” Hard concept for me… but OK, something to work on. In DBT though, the discussion turned to “there are times when you should be suspicious” – and I basically called it out saying wait, that’s exactly what I’ve been told not to say. “Arguing semantics” I was told – but ugh, I felt like this was *exactly* the kind of fucked-up black and white thinking that I do… I needed more explanation, I still do – because ‘arguing semantics’ does not explain to me why it’s OK some of the time, but not OK in all these other situations. Typing that out makes me feel and sound like an idiot, but it really got to me in DBT. And stuck with me. And I still haven’t seen anything that is sinking in that makes this make sense to me.

One of the women in the group of 8 has skipped the first 3 groups… and I wound up explaining dialectics to her…. Which didn’t feel right. I barely have a grasp on this stuff at all – I’m lucky if I can basically just recite definitions that have started to be drilled into me.

I’ve found myself confused, and looking forward to my next individual session where maybe something will start to make sense.

therapy, etc.

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:43:33 GMT

Therapy after a week off was a lot rougher than I had expected it would be.

One of the things that we focused on was picking -- it's been really bad lately, to the point where I have been avoiding getting naked in front of the b/f and I'm not sure what's triggering it - unless it's just flat out boredom. It was an uncomfortable conversation for me, and not one that I felt was all that... beneficial? successful? I don't know. I don't feel like it was helpful, just embarassing.

She asked me if I dissociate when I'm doing it. Uh.. no? I don't think I dissociate? She basically said that everyone does at some point... and that left me with some things to think about. I still don't think I do...

I didn't bring diary cards with me, mostly because I haven't done it most days of the last two weeks... She kind of gave me the lecture about how they are useful (yes, I know) and I should be doing them (yes, I know). I just haven't. I haven't been consciously avoiding them.

I don't remember what exactly triggered this feeling - but at some point during the session I began to feel like she was telling me what I wanted to hear. And while I understand the whole "validating feelings" mentality... it felt... shallow, fake... and I didn't like that feeling. I need to think about this a lot more.

We talked about abandonment issues - and I told her that I don't think I have any. In fact, I'm more likely to abandon people and situations (at least I think). She essentially disagreed. We talked more about invalidating environments- she asked more questions about my parents... I told her about the 'fucking queers' comment my dad made recently, and about my mom's 'stupid trick' comment about the events that led to my hospital stay.

Then, we talked about my thoughts on DBT so far. I was honest - told her that I got bored during the two hours, I got annoyed with the guy who was sitting next to me who kept droning on and on, and that I really think two hours is too long to keep my attention. She said that I shouldn't give up on it, and that I shouldn't quit yet - wanted me to try at least 3 or 4 more weeks. I was kind of cranky because I hadn't *said* I was going to give up on it -- I hadn't thought about that yet, I figured I'd give it a while. And that, made me feel like she's already *guessing* certain things because of that whole BPD-trait thing, and I am not comfortable with that feeling despite the fact that it makes sense.

It was a long session, and I left with a headache and too much to think about and process. I left feeling worse about myself, my situation, my choices, and I am still thinking about what caused that.

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 04:07:39 GMT

Today, I had what will be my final EKG. Everything has returned to normal. Liver and kidney functions are normal, and I don't have to be retested for anemia for 6 months! Yay!

Mid-week update, I suppose

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:41:03 GMT

I have had a migraine since Monday, that I am now finally (duh!) associating with taking ambien CR again after a month long break. Duh, why didn't I notice this two days sooner?!

My moods have been consistent - grouchy, but trying not to be outwardly grumpy, which I'm rarely successful at. I'm hoping that without the CR tonight, I'll be back to my perky self. (ok, that's a stretch). But on Sunday and Monday, I was uber-productive and got a ton of stuff done around the house - I want to get back to that speed as it felt good.

I've been focusing on taking care of myself - eating tons better, cooking and eating 3 meals a day. Taking meds. Recognizing when I'm not capable of doing certain things. Part of me is almost missing the fact that I don't have therapy this week - well, at least the individual therapy. I'm not a fan of this DBT thing just yet - I'm hoping that it gets better/easier/easier to sit there for 2 straight hours. Looking actively for jobs, and doing some online gigs to bring in some extra money. Taking care of my ex that is staying with me (I think I will refer to him here on out as Grumpy).

He lived with me for 6+ years before, never recognizing or knowing anything about BPD. He is trying to read and comprehend some now, since I seem to have my head buried in books these days... but still doesn't *get* it. He says stupid things - like that he wouldn't touch something in the kitchen for fear of 'setting off the borderline' and 'wow, I noticed that personality shift as soon as you got on the phone with your mom.' That shit does NOT HELP.

I finished Sometimes I Act Crazy today, and I'm glad that I stuck with it, because I really wound up enjoying it. I think the first chapter's Princess Diana blurbs really turned me off and took about 50 pages for me to get over. Eventually, I'd like to post my notes from that and I Hate You Don't Leave Me, but I don't have that much motivation right now.

1st DBT

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 19:50:46 GMT

In a lot of ways, the DBT group was as bad as I thought it was going to be. 2 hours is a LONG time for me to sit in a chair and pay attention to *anything*… let alone something like this. The group was smaller than I had anticipated (7 instead of the 12 they were expecting), most of us have been in the hospital recently and I was happily not the only GLBTQ person in the room.

The vocabulary is the hardest thing for me right now, especially the abbreviations. There’s a giant list of skills, that seem to overlap whenever I’ve had them explained to me. This feels like a *class* - and not like a part-time thing, like I’m going to school part-time with the diary cards, homework assignments, reading, etc. Friday, it was just downright overwhelming. Two hours is a long time.

Next week I don’t have therapy of either variety, and I’m looking forward to the break.

I know that the depression itself is … worse… this week. Now that I have started my period, I can at least associate a huge chunk of that to PMS. I’ve been actively taking steps to keep myself busy… and to keep myself from sinking further. I make sure I get at least 2 hours away from my laptop during the day doing something active. I apply to my self-set minimum of 5 jobs per day. I am actively working on getting my house organized, which I desperately needed to do post-break-up anyways – and that’s pretty time-consuming, I’ve had a lot of projects that I started and never got anywhere with.

My ex is here 24/7…. Not my recent one, my ex husband that I split up with about 3 years ago. Obviously, it was an amicable divorce, and now we’re just kinda here for one another. He is having major health issues, and having someone here (while it gets on my nerves occasionally) is oddly…. Comforting. It feels… safe… if that makes any sense. Like I’m not likely to down a bottle of pills if someone else is here… Of course, he’s now reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and that alone makes me nuts. We’re not talking about the BPD… just as we didn’t when we were married (he’s forgotten that’s what I was diagnosed with back when we were together, too, grrr.)

While the depression feels worse… I am not suicidal. I haven’t been since the first week I got home from the hospital – which was *really* rough. I have gotten better about being able to tell people *I can’t talk about this right now* in terms of some things related to the attempt, the hospital stay, etc. I have found that I can’t have the conversations about things that I want to – and I may never be able to do that. Some of these things, I am going to have to learn to put behind me forever… and yet, some of the details from the hospital I remember more and more of… and then have nightmares about. I am pretty sure I never want to end up there again, but I have to admit, life was easy and safe on that psych ward – isn’t that a sick thought?

I’ve been reading the follow-up to I hate you, don’t leave me, which is Sometimes I Act Crazy… and I’m not sure if it’s because the format is slightly different, or the tone is decidedly different, but I don’t like it as much as I did the first one (same authors, too). The authors talk about how the first book seems awfully hopeless, and they took a lot of criticism for it… and I actually think the second one is worse, because it has a lot more statistics and info about well, how BPD folks actually do long-term. The stats aren’t good.

But you know what? The stats aren’t good for teenage moms either, and I defied those odds. I can do this.

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 23:44:55 GMT

Therapy today was rougher than I had expected it would be. I felt kind of blindsided by loads of uncomfortable questions, getting back into the diary card thing, talking about going to group therapy tomorrow… all in all, it was rough.

My ex has been asking me tons of questions the last few days… about what I remember, what I did, what people’s reactions have been. And that’s been equally painful. Some of these things, I don’t want to say out loud, some of them I don’t want to think about, because they aren’t that far removed from my active thoughts as it is.

Then we talked about work, and how my PCP has said maybe I should be off work for a while. Therapist thinks that I should go back to work… at least part time… to stay busy (and I agree with her). We talked about that, and setting boundaries in a new work situation (which I am admittedly not that good at).

I have reached a point where I don’t *dread* therapy, even if it’s not my favorite activity. I still have huge issues thinking about group situations tomorrow… but I’ll get past that, I guess. I like my therapist, and am getting to the point where I trust her (she remembers things, doesn’t seem to be totally relying on notes, is ON TIME – which is a huge thing for me in situations where if you’re a few minutes late you are considered a no-show.) So… this is a good thing, right?

Today, I walked out feeling confused and conflicted about everything. We talked about how I am starting to finally (quietly) accept that the mess I’m in right now with lack of job, health issues, etc. is a result of my own actions and suicide attempt. I’m trying to learn to take responsibility for my emotions and not let them run fucking batshit wild like they have as long as I can remember… sounds good, right? And I start talking about the damage I feel like I’ve done to my body, etc.

So… she starts talking about how I need to stop judging myself. I need to stop *blaming* myself. I need to understand that I am not responsible for all that happened. … and that, felt like bullshit to me. I feel like I am. And we kinda left today’s session on that note, and I walked out feeling like huh… what? Isn’t this the opposite of what I’ve been trying to do?

I dunno. My brain hurts.

Updates

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 04:55:58 GMT

So, some updates. I feel like it's been forever since I've written anything meaningful here. I think I've learned a valuable lesson the last few weeks -- talking about things *after* being in the hospital/that stuff -- with other people? Not a good idea. I feel like every 'bad day' seems to set off alarms and put others on edge. I feel like in some ways, I've lost a *huge* portion of my support folks because I can't deal with the ... fallout. And yes, I am realizing slowly and painfully that this is all the result of my own actions, but doesn't make it any easier.

As far as my health goes - I feel like I am always tired and that my depression is worsening (but suicidal thoughts are not, if that makes any sense). Losing the job - while a GOOD thing for me - is weighing heavily on me. But as far as the 'side effects' or things I noticed after being in the hospital, here are some updates.

my fine motor skills seem to be fine now
my short term memory still sucks. royally.
my sense of smell is alarmingly *better* - and sensitive. I was always a sympathy puker but now... god, the smell of a lot of things makes me nauseous
my appetite still isn't what it used to be (and this is a good thing, I'm sure)
handwriting is back to normal
spelling issues seem to have gone away
dizziness issues are gone
my sore throat lasted about 2 full weeks, but is gone now. Voice issues probably lasted about that long, but were slight enough most people wouldn't notice after that first week
vision is fine
I don't wake up from naps/sleep talking any more, but I do have better memories of really weird dreams
I have very, very low energy most days (which is what makes me think that the depression is worsening)

Tomorrow, I have therapy. I have therapy twice this week - individual tomorrow, and group DBT on Friday for the first time. I have anxiety about both. In a lot of ways, I feel like nothing has changed since I went to therapy last, except that I survived the visit with the family. My brother put it best when he said that moving home would *make* me suicidal. I have to agree.

Today would be the 19th anniversary with my ex, who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. And today, he left with our 2 boys on a 3 week vacation. It means they will be away from home for both of their birthdays for the first time - which I know is a normal part of growing up, but it still sucks, and feels like bad timing right now. I'll have to find my own way to celebrate.

And it's 1am, and I'm still awake despite drugs. Blah.

But you know what? Things that normally send me spiraling ... have not done so this week. With a lot less.... effort....

Updates

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 14:51:45 GMT

Therapy the last two sessions has not been as rough as I would have expected, post hospitalization. I’ve been calling it that – instead of “post suicide attempt.” It’s easier to say that I guess.

Yesterday, I had my follow-up with my family doctor and I spent the entire appointment feeling like she wanted to smack me. I have to go in every two weeks for awhile, and have EKGs each time. That’s a pretty constant reality check that I did almost accomplish my goal that night. And right now, partly because my memory is so bad, partly because I do want to forget some of the experience, the whole situation seems kind of surreal.

She did ask a few questions – “was this a real attempt?” kind of questions… and I found myself not fully answering them… and feeling like she didn’t *get* how serious of an attempt it was. A few weeks later now, it seems hard to believe… I am still here. And that’s painful.

I still feel like everything is moving in slow motion. I talked to Dr. B about the memory loss, and she said that it would return and was totally normal. She also said I probably wouldn’t be able to get month-long rx’s of anything right now, because I couldn’t have access to that number of pills. That felt like I was being punished, and it sucked. My voice is still raspy at times, and I hope that it’s going to get better fast. Sleep is hit or miss, but most nights is getting better with just the old school ambien.

My last therapy session – right after I got out of the hospital – was not focused much on things like, the note… which she hadn’t seen yet. I had brought a copy of it with me, and it hurts so much to even read that I didn’t want to share it. I gave it to her at the end of the session that time, and we talked about it yesterday, and that made me feel like I was bringing every thing right back to the surface again. Not good. Painful. Even I can read what I was thinking that night and think… god, was I really thinking *that* illogically?

That first therapy session was spent talking a lot about the hospital experience, and what had happened since, and trying to convince me that I could do the DBT group (which I have agreed to, as long as I am out of work). Talking about how I felt in the hospital… and how damned angry I was in the psych ward, and how I started to basically ‘fake’ it, so that I could get out. How I didn’t talk about the hallucinations while I was in the hospital, how I didn’t talk about still feeling suicidal. Basically, I sort of knew what *not* to say while I was in the hospital. We talked about that some… and about the all-too-real knowledge I have of what it would take to be *successful* at attempts. D has basically said I’m carrying around a backpack with too much knowledge in it, and I need to be able to realize those things cannot be used, since I can’t un-learn them.

We talked briefly about my desire to get stoned last week while I was on vacation, and how I didn’t once the b/f had been blunt with me about what marijuana does to the brain… and that I felt good about that decision. We talked about how I do enjoy drinking socially, but haven’t in weeks (almost 2 months, I think)… and how I miss it. D said that the alcohol, more than a glass or so, can basically undo what the Zoloft is doing, so it’s not a good idea. Argh. In some ways, all of this makes me feel like I’m 14 and living at home and not allowed to do anything again. I feel stupid and irresponsible that I have to spend so much time and effort to maintain this not-so-great state I’m in right now.

That said though, it’s not like I’m in a *terrible* place. I feel like I won’t hurt myself, and that I *know* what I need to do to stay safe right now. And that’s a good thing.

Yesterday’s therapy session was not at all DBT-focused (the last two haven’t been now), but focused on a plan. A plan for what happens if the visit to my parents goes south. What my mom can do that can trigger my anger (I’ve long since gotten over her triggering the worthless feelings). What I need to do when she does. Where I can go. What my safety plan should be.

And that led to *my* bringing up things like a crisis plan for while I’m home. D told me that she doesn’t carry a pager, and isn’t 24/7 on call, and won’t be. That emergencies need to go to the ER or NetCare. While I get that, it’s still really painful to hear. There is that part of me that realizes most scenarios where I would want to talk after hours are not in fact emergencies – or if they are, I really do belong at the ER – it still automatically triggered the “why not? Why don’t you care if I’m having a crisis?” thoughts, and …ugh, those make me FEEL nuts these days…. At least when I get to the point where I can recognize that’s what I’m doing.

I think that’s the biggest issue I have with a lot of what DBT teaches. If I recognize that I’m doing certain things, I feel even crazier… and feeling crazier is what tends to make me feel more suicidal… if that makes any sense. Like there’s nothing I can do to *stop* the stupid, illogical thoughts and I am going to be dealing with these stupid thoughts the rest of my life. And then it goes back to the old thoughts of no longer being considered borderline if I don’t *act* on the stupid thoughts…. Which is infuriating to me a lot of the time, because it can be a full-time job to manage this shit.

That, leads me to the last thing I want to write about today.

My family doctor said today that I need to be on short-term disability… unemployment… or SSI… right now, until I get a more solid grip on things. And that is a sobering thought. It initiated the “I’m not that crazy, I can still work!” thoughts… which in some way is good… kind of motivating me to get my act in gear as far as work goes. Work is one of the few things I am GOOD at…. So, yeah, probably what I needed to hear.

Back among the real world

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 05:50:20 GMT

After a few days offline for a much needed vacation, I am back. Rested, and feeling OK. I feel like I have had to take way too many hours in a day taking care of myself, making sure I get enough sleep, etc... but it's been good. A learning experience.

I'm tired, but not sleepy.

Tomorrow morning I have therapy, and then 5 fillings and a possible root canal. Happy drugs, should make me forget most of it. I hope.

I didn't have time to write up last week's therapy -- will try to do a two for 1 tomorrow.

How not to help

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 14:18:28 GMT

This is what my recent ex just told me: "well, you were out of work for a week during a really important time."

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 13:10:52 GMT

Well, guess that problem is taken care of. I just lost my job.

Update

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 12:36:57 GMT

Yesterday was a horrible, horrible day. I wound up dumping on someone online - someone far enough removed from my daily life that they could just listen and not be involved, and that wound up being really helpful. I think that venting sometimes, does in fact help.

My ex-husband has been admitted to the hospital, and it's a hospital in the same network as the one that I was in. I didn't realize this would be an issue for me, but as soon as I saw people up and about in the very same hospital gown I had been in for nearly a week... it was rough. Rougher than I like to admit to. By the time I got home yesterday, I was wanting to go back in the hospital -- and I hate that feeling. Why did I want to go back? Because everything was easier there. My cell phone and cable managed to get shut off while I was in the hospital - which is a pain in the butt, but taken care of now.

I made the mistake of going into work yesterday to pick up my laptop, and that seemed to be an instant trigger. I almost had a panic attack while I was in there.

Side effects that I want to discuss in therapy that I am still having: my short term memory is still shot, and I feel like I'm missing an entire week (how did it possibly wind up being the 24th already???)

After therapy, I am home to begin packing for the vacation that work told me I couldn't have... and then offline for a few days. I am hoping that this vacation is exactly what I need right now. I can deal with everything else when I return to the real world.

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 07:02:24 GMT

I have had a lot of people touch base with me today, now that I am a) upright and fully functioning b) actually able to talk about stuff.
Lots of the discussions have been wonderful - and in some cases, surprising, because I wouldn't have certain people to step up to the plate and offer things like they have. It's been good. I can certainly see why people can view suicide attempts as attention seeking behavior. It was explained to me that there are attempted suicides, and suicide attempts. I forget what the designations were, but one is more serious, and that was me. I had a plan A, and a plan B (that I didn't use).  Both would have been successful without medical intervention - my plans were *very* detailed and planned. Which is easy to do, I guess, when I've been plotting the real thing for years, but never got it as far as it did that night.

But more than one person has been angry (I understand), mad, but several people have said that it will take time to rebuild trust. And I think that those words *hurt*. Today, I am glad to be alive, but less than a week ago, I just wanted it all to disappear. I made a very serious, very real attempt. it was only as I started to shake, and started to fall asleep that I got scared, and that I asked for help. I still don't know if I would have seizures, but that's what it felt like I was about to do, and why I texted for help. I'm glad I did, but I do wonder... what would I do the next time I get so overwhelmed and so sad, and just so out of it that suicide seems like a good option.

I am glad that I have quite a few people reading this now. I am always hopeful that good advice or good bonds will come from journaling like this. One of my oldest online buds has a "Truce" clause in her LJ. If she's ranting about a bad day, the only responses she wants are :) or Love you, mean it. LYMI. It goes back to the rule our moms tell us when we're little: if you can't say something nice, then don't say something at all.

I love that people are sharing their stories with me - I think that it's a huge trust and bonding experience. But I do think that I need to say that this is MY experience, my history, my life... and no one but me knows everything about me - and even then, it's what I *remember* -- may not even be accurate.

So, let me spell things out here:
-- I did not create a BPD journal to discuss if I really have BPD or if BPD really exists, or if it's an Axis I or II disorder.
-- I am in therapy. I was in therapy before this happened. I am going to continue therapy (weekly) for at least 6 months.
-- I am doing therapy based on DBT techniques
-- As long as I am healthy enough to do so, I am going to continue working (and yes, I have entertained the idea of getting a new job since this one is effecting me so much, but right now that is not an option
-- I am not interested in or able to do partial hospitalization
-- I do NOT think I needed to stay in the hospital longer than I did, for a whole host of reasons, and mostly because by Friday morning -- things were feeling mighty *comfortable* there.
-- Yes, your experiences are yours, and they are all valid. My situation is going to be different.
-- And while I'm comfortable with people sharing their own experiences, I'm not so comfortable with the friend of a friend of a friend variety.

Somehow, some way, something in me snapped that night. And Plan A just happened, all too easily. I can't promise myself that I will never have those feelings again, I can promise myself that I will try other things to get through the day. And I do believe that God was looking out for me that night. and my b/f.... I can never, ever repay him for saving my life... because that's exactly what he did. And right now, I am only making promises for a day at a time. While out dinner with the b/f tonight, I was bragging that I had the best night's sleep ever last night... and that if I could sleep like that every night, I'd be soooo happy. So, in an attempt to make that happen, I got up at the same time, took drugs at the same time... and the same drug... and look at me. Wide awake at 230am. My own body isn't consistent from day to day.

This is my story, and I want to tell it.

Unfortunately, I didn't think that it would be journalizing about actual attempts. I had hoped that this chapter wouldn't be written. I wished it didn't happen... I don't want people to think they have to be looking out for me or worrying if I am making the wrong decision for work, play, or travel. I'm still me.

And I don't want people being gentle with me because I might break suddenly. One of the big things that BPD people do is react differently/irrationally/inconsistently to very simple common day to day things. Everything is either good or bad, black or white. There are no shades of gray for us. And that affects just about every single thought process I have right now -- learning to see myself, and stop myself - took a very long time (6-9 months) and really, that's where my skills kinda end, so that's why I wanted - and chose to - go back into therapy. To find out what to do next. Because I'm far from perfect as it is... this isn't something I can do on my own.

The fucked up crazy shit that goes on in my brain is mine. Gotta love it, cuz it's not going anywhere. Over the course of the last 3 days, I got a ton of validating information from the hospital about BPD, that I'm sitting here with the highlighter they gave me... because they knew I'd see myself in these other stories. I've also been told I couldn't have BPD, because I wouldn't be working or haven't spent "significant" time in the hospital for it already, Been told that BPD doesn't exist (by one person who has fibromyalgia -- the only other disease I know that people don't think is 'real'). Back in January, a psychologist I was *staying with* was surprised to hear that I have BPD... because he would have seen it, he said.

No, sometimes, we learn that we have learn to manage it, or we can't hold down jobs, families, etc. But even someone who can mask the symptoms must still be feeling it all inside... I know I am, even if have to -- or even able to --stop myself from saying or doing things. And I have no idea how long it will take to make it become a habit, something I don't even think about and just do.

Ok, at this point I'm just babbling. I should try to sleep.